Oh, I don’t know where to start. I could have all kinds of excuses but I am past that point. I can’t pretend any longer that it doesn’t consume me. Why am I letting a number define me?
Between several medication side effect, inactivity (medically forced), and not great food choices off and on for three months I have gained 28 pounds. I initially I thought it was 23 which didn’t seem much better, but thinking about it those extra 5 pound make a huge difference.
I want to say it’s all due to my medications because my medical team did say it was typical to gain 20-30 pounds. Or I could say it is because I went from running 25 miles a week, going to Pink Gloves twice a week, and weight training to nothing. However, I can’t because I have made some really terrible food choices over the last few months. Maybe it us just one of those things or maybe it is a combination, I just don’t know.
Consuming sounds like a really strong word but it is exactly how I have been feeling. I see it each time I look in the mirror, even though I continue to hear from people that there is no way I have gained any weight. I feel it when I move or even more so when I am not moving. And clothes, I can hardly fit into anything I own. I try so hard not to let it consume me but there are reminders everywhere.
I know I should give myself a break, for goodness sake I suffered a traumatic brain injury not all that long ago. For the last three and a half months I have focused on healing and not on my waistline, which is where my energy should have been focused. I wholeheartedly believe that. However, it doesn’t make me feel much better. I have a wedding dress that I will be wearing in three short months. And thought I know I will be beautiful no matter what my weight still consumes me.
I so don’t want it to! I am not a number. And a number doesn’t define me. So why am I letting it consume me. I wish I could figure that out! I have always been someone who focuses on how I feel verses what the scale says. However, I won’t lie, I don’t feel good. I am constantly uncomfortable because either my clothes are too constricting or I can feel fat (I hate that word) in places it didn’t used to be.
Today, while in counseling I was talking to my therapist about it. I am typically a problem solver, I almost always have a solution for an issue I take to her but today I just told her I was at a loss. I had tried Weight Watchers which typically I have great success on but this time it wasn’t working. I was really following the program and I just couldn’t figure out what the problem was (at least I wasn’t gaining while following it). She made me realize so much has changed since I had originally lost weight in 2012. I am older, I am far more active (I mean way more active), and I am still healing. And then she gave me hope. She suggested I find a personal trainer who could write me a nutrition plan that takes into account all the activity I do.
I came home today feeling better than I had in a long while. It was the first time in a month that I didn’t spend the evening worrying how was I going to get 28 pounds off. In fact, I almost feel confident in the plan my therapist had laid out. I will be reaching out to a personal trainer who does nutrition plans tomorrow, hopefully she will be able to help me out or point me in the right direction. Then in July, I will be joining Farrell’s Extreme Bodyshaping (more to come on this as the time gets closer). In the meantime, I will be running, boxing, and strength training.
Alright, I had to get that out! I felt I was hiding it and therefore being inauthentic. To be honest, just opening up about it both at counseling and here, has made me feel more at peace. I finally feel like my dirty little secret is out. I am not looking for sympathy, I just needed to get out. Now, I can move on! Thank you all for listening and the amazing support I know you will all provide as I work through these 28 pounds!