I guess writing my last post broke free some emotions I didn’t know that had or had been hiding from myself. Only a few minutes after posting it, one of the songs on my running play list came on and the next thing I knew I was in the middle of a really ugly cry.
I was crying because I was sad, scared, frustrated, thankful, and excited. All the emotions of my TBI came out at one time…
I am sad because…
- I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like all the things that make me, me were taken away from me.
- I am missing out on so many activities and events.
- Some of the people I thought I could count on have failed to show up during this time.
I am scared because…
- I still have memory issues. It is so scary to have a conversation or do something and then completely forget about it.
- Things that were routine for me before the accident are not anymore. I don’t know if or when I will be able to remember what used to be so simple.
- I have been out of work so long that I don’t know what I will go back to. (However, my team has been amazing which as made this situation slightly easier.)
- A lot my independence is gone. I have rely on others to get me to and from places and help me remember things.
- I had my anxiety and depression under control and now they are trying their hardest to sneak back into my life.
I am frustrated because…
- All I want to do is put my running shoes and head phones on and run as hard and fast away from this situation. However, I cannot even go for a walk by myself.
- I am going stir crazy.
- I had worked really hard to get my fitness level for running to a really good place prior to my accident. I can only imagine after 6 weeks (to this point, probably longer) of no running my fitness level has declined.
- I had big plans for this year and they have been derailed. I know that I can get things back on track but it is still very frustrating. Between all the events I was planning on participating in and my wedding in August and I really hoped to be in the best shape of my life.
- I finally have a great care team but had I found them earlier I wouldn’t be our of my normal life as long as I hear I will be.
I am thankful because…
- Justin and my family have been so amazing and super supportive.
- I have some really amazing friends! I have received calls, texts, and cards throughout this whole ordeal.
I am excited because…
- I finally have an amazing team of providers who are going to help me get back to my normal life! I know it will take some time but having a plan gives me hope!
Are am sure there are even more emotions. Everyday, there is a new emotion I experience and have to process. I am working hard to work through all the emotions…