I pretty sure it has been obvious that I have been missing in action when it comes to posting on my blog. I know that I have mentioned a couple times how overwhelmed I have been but that really isn’t the whole story. So I thought I would tell you the whole story since I am pretty much an open book.
I deal* with depression and anxiety. Since being diagnosed (by a doctor – several actually) and coming to understand more about depression and anxiety I have been very open about it. I really don’t see why it should be a secret. In the beginning before I knew what I do now, I was quiet about it. But now, I find it important to talk about! There are a lot of people who suffer in silence and I don’t believe that needs to be the case. There is a stigma around being diagnosed with them but I talk about them because I really want to see that stigma change.
So that is why I have been MIA. I had fallen into a small hole and could seem to find a way out of it. I didn’t say much to anyone because I was trying so desperately to take care of it without any help (and I know asking for help is a good way for me not to fall into that hole). I really can’t figure out why I didn’t want help other than I knew I may have bitten off more than I can chew recently, between my personal life, professional life, blogging, and training. I really didn’t want to hear that was the case even though I knew it was.
Yesterday was my breaking point! I called to have a conversation with my mom about something that shouldn’t have been all that emotional and within minutes was in tears, the really ugly kind. My mom knowing how I can get asked me if there was something else bothering me and I said no it was just this one thing. But then it was another thing and another thing and you get the picture.
As much as I hate the ugly cry, it typically does me good because I get it all out and then I can move on. The only problem with yesterdays was that I was in the parking lot of my gym. I prefer to have those types of cries at home in the comfort of my own home. Just so everyone is rest assured, I didn’t start to cry until I was parked in the parking lot. But that gave all the gym goers some entertainment.
When I started exercising on a regular basis, more specifically running, I was able to go off all of my medication. Exercise has been my outlet and help me to keep my depression and anxiety in check. With everything I have had on my plate recently my exercise has taken a back seat and in turn my depression and anxiety have move to the front seat. That was one of the reasons I went to the gym yesterday, I knew I needed the release but I was hoping it would come out a different way.
Yesterday’s little episode put everything in prospective for me, it is time to move myself and my exercise back to the front seat. Last night, I created a list of all the things that were causing me to feel anxious and ordered them from most important to least important. Then I put together a loose schedule to help me accomplish everything I need to get done each day as well as items I want to get to but weren’t high priority. Sadly, day one is not going as planned but I am rolling with the punches and not getting worked up over it.
So now you know why I have been gone. I hope to not let D & A get in the way again but chances are they will. I will take that challenge when it come. Until then, I you will see more consistent blog posts from me.
Yesterday made me think that I should talk about how changing my life and adopting my healthy lifestyle has helped me manage my disorders. I plan on writing a post about that so keep an eye out for that.
If you deal with depression and/or anxiety and need to talk I am always here for you!
*I will not use the term suffer in regards to myself. I have to deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and will for the rest of my life. However, early on I sought out help to help me better understand the disorders and how they affects me. After counseling, I have come to know my triggers for anxiety and due to that can often times stop an attack or make is much less sever. My depression is a byproduct of my anxiety so if I keep that in check then I can keep my depression in check. To me suffer makes it sound so terrible, it is just part of me and I have accept it so I refuse to use the word suffer!